


Traumas, They Surround Me

by danrifics



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Dan Howell, 2009 Era (Phandom), Bullying, Depression, M/M, pre phan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-27 09:37:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20043838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danrifics/pseuds/danrifics
Summary: Traumas, they surround me,I wish you'd just love me backWe all have that one thing that makes us happy when nothing else will.For Dan that's AmazingPhil





	Traumas, They Surround Me

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song Trauma by NF
> 
> This fic was really hard for me to write and I used a lot of personal experiences and emotions so it's quite personal to me.
> 
> No beta - sorry for any mistakes :)
> 
> \----------------------------------

_ Say you're there when I feel helpless _

_ If that's true, why don't you help me? _

_ It's my fault, I know I'm selfish _

_ Stand alone, my soul is jealous _

_ It wants love, but I reject it _

_ Trade my joy for my protection _

He pulls his fringe down over his eye, he knows his grandma is over and he doesn’t want her to see the bruise forming on the side of his face. He doesn’t need her asking questions and he definitely doesn’t need her pity. He opens the front door slowly, trying to be as quiet as he can. The moment he steps inside and closes the door his grandma appears behind him.

“Daniel” She says with a smile “How was school?”

He wants to tell her everything, but he can’t. “It was good” He says, he doesn’t mean it. 

He turns to go up the stairs when his grandma grabs his arm. She pulls him closer. He knows she can see his face. He tries to look away from her, she gently places her hand on his chin and pushes his face towards her so she can see. She gently pushes his fringe out of the way. He meets her eyes briefly, all he sees is sadness.

“What happened?” She asks, gently touching the bruise.

“Got hit in the face in rugby during P.E” He lies “It’s nothing”

His grandma seems to accept his excuse “I’ll write you a note for you to give to the teachers to get you out of any future P.E lessons. Can’t have my grandson’s handsome face getting damaged now can I?” 

Dan strains out a laugh. If she knew what was really happening to him at school she’d take him right out of it… If she knew why? He’s not sure what she’ll do. 

He wants to say: 

_ “Grandma, I’m being bullied. It’s ‘cause everyone thinks I’m gay.” _

But he doesn’t. He just smiles and goes upstairs to his room, he’s halfway up the stairs when his grandma says “I’m always here for you Daniel. Anything you need help with I’m there.”

“You can’t help me with this” He mumbles, she doesn’t hear him.

**

_ Grab my hand, I'm drowning _

_ I feel my heart pounding _

_ Why haven't you found me yet? _

_ I hold you so proudly _

_ Traumas, they surround me _

_ I wish you'd just love me back _

He breaks down as soon as he closes his bedroom door. He feels helpless. Today has been bad, like really bad. He felt like he was drowning, his heart beating fast, his breathes too short.

He turned on his PC, he knew there was one thing that he could rely on to make him feel better. He types in _ Youtube.com _ , he goes to his subscription box. _ AmazingPhil has uploaded a new video. _He clicks the video.

“Hey guys!” Phil’s says on the screen. 

Dan smiles, his heart beat slows and he finally catches his breath. No matter how bad his day he knows AmazingPhil will make him smile. He would never admit it out loud but he was head over heels in love with the face on his screen, a stranger on the internet who he’d never me or even spoken too. He wishes he could go through the screen, wishes he could speak to Phil in person, tell him how much he means to him. He wishes he could love him back, but he can’t. Dan is just a fan, all he is to Phil is a subscriber and a video view, that’s all he’ll ever be.

**

_ Say you're here, but I don't feel it _

_ Give me peace, but then you steal it _

_ Watch them laugh at all my secrets _

_ Scream and yell, but I feel speechless _

_ Ask for help, you call it weakness _

_ Lied and promised me my freedom _

He’s shoved into the wall. Everyone is staring. No one does anything to help him. He thought they’d leave him alone today, give him some peace for once. He was wrong. The bully pulled a phone out of his pocket and pulled something up on it.

“I found gaylords twitter yesterday” The bully began, everyone was listening “He’s got some interesting tweets. Username is just Dan Howell if anyone is curious. I thought I’d read some of my favourite tweets to all of you”

“Please don’t” Dan pleaded

“AmazingPhil, I think I have a crush on you” The bully shouted out in a mocking tone “AmazingPhil, I think i love you”

Dan suddenly feels so small. Everyone around him is laughing. He wishes he could curl up and die right there. None of his so called friends are doing anything despite the fact they’ve told him they’re here for him. He knows it’s because they’re scared, they don’t want to be called gay either. He wishes he could tell them that they won’t, that they’ve never done anything to warrant being called that, Dan has. The tweets the bully is reading out for everyone to hear is proof enough, his myspace page didn’t help either.

“Please stop” Dan says, it’s practically a whisper.

Suddenly he’s being pushed up against the wall, an arm against his neck. He can’t breath. He gasps for air. When he’s released from the bullies grip, he falls to the floor gasping for air. He wants to scream and yell, he wants to stand up and punch the bully in the face but he doesn’t. 

There’s a teacher stood behind the crowd. They do nothing. He knows they won’t unless he asks. 

The bully kneels down next to him, he’s seen Dan looking at the teacher “Asking for help makes you weak.”

When Dan gets home from school he deletes his twitter. He makes a new one with a new name. _ Danisnotonfire. _He spends hours blocking everyone he goes to school with. They never find this twitter.

**

_ Grab my hand, I'm drowning _

_ I feel my heart pounding _

_ Why haven't you found me yet? _

_ I hold you so proudly _

_ Traumas, they surround me _

_ I wish you'd just love me back _

  


He’d spent the weekend rewatching AmazingPhil videos, his final year of school had just finished, he thought it would mean things in his life would improve but the drowning feeling was getting worse, his heart pounding harder every time someone mentioned the future now he was done with school. People would ask why he wasn’t going to University next year? What was he going to do with his summer? 

He now, more than ever, wanted to disappear into his computer screen and exist only online. He replied to more tweets from Phil, he’d seen a lot more people getting noticed by him recently, he wanted that. He held Phil up so high in his brain. Dan was surrounded by horrible people but Phil was his escape from all the trauma. He wishes Phil would love him back, or at least acknowledge his existence at least once.

**

_ Grab my hand, I'm drowning _

_ I feel my heart pounding _

_ Why haven't you found me yet? _

He lays on his floor staring up at the ceiling, he remembers being here a few months ago when all he felt capable of was laying on the floor, dark thoughts looming over his head. The summers over and now he spends his days either at work or on twitter. His phone buzzes

**New Text Message from Phil :)**

**I found you!**

Dan smiles at the message as he grabs his laptop. He’d been talking to Phil for a few weeks now. A shared interest of muse had ignited their friendship and from there they realised how much they had in common with each other. Friendship had slowly turned into subtle flirting and now…

Dan opens skype. 

New Friend Request from_ AmazingPhil _

Dan accepts the request and within seconds Phil is asking to video chat. Dan accepts.

“Dan! Hi” Phil says, he sounds nervous

“Hey. You look good today” Dan blushes. “I can’t wait to see you in person”

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on tumblr:  
@ThrivingHowell


End file.
